以前上班的時候，愈是忙碌、愈是被需要，生活壓力就愈大愈辛苦，但同時又愈感覺充實，好像某種焦慮能藉此暫時得到一種舒緩。
名副其實的痛苦但快樂著。
因為自我價值感在此時得到了最大的滿足，雖然同時也要付出許多代價。
但有另一種又痛苦又快樂的狀態是截然不同的：像是生產或親密關係；像是生活或整個人生。
前者看似快樂，但本質是苦的；帶有一種被迫性，感覺像是無從選擇。如果重新再來一次，很可能會慣性地做出相同的選擇，然後告訴自己是無可奈何的。
它的本質其實是一種苦中作樂。
後者看似痛苦，但本質是甜的；只是在過程中經常認不出來。
就像在下黑白棋一樣，要下到最後一步棋（而且下對），看到許多黑子瞬間翻轉成白子時，才會豁然看清每一步棋、乃至整盤棋的本質。
這時自然而然會有一種感恩出來。
我們不一定會想再選擇經歷一次；事實上通常已不需要。
並不是說曾經感受過的痛苦都是假的、不存在的，而是我們會認出痛苦只是整體的一個部分。而整體是一個更大的、難以用語言完整描述的東西。
或許有些人會把它稱之為愛。
When I used to work, the busier I was and the more I was needed, the greater the pressure and hardship I felt. Yet at the same time, I also felt more fulfilled—as if a certain kind of anxiety could be temporarily eased through it.
A pain that truly lives up to its name, yet somehow happy.
Because in those moments, my sense of self-worth was maximally satisfied, even though it came at a considerable cost.
But there is another kind of “painful yet happy” state that is entirely different—like childbirth, or intimate relationships; like life itself, or an entire lifetime.
The former appears happy, but is essentially rooted in suffering. There is a sense of compulsion to it, as if there were no real choice. If given the chance to do it over, one would likely make the same choices out of habit, and then tell oneself it was inevitable.
At its core, it is a way of finding fleeting joy within suffering.
The latter appears painful, but is sweet at its core; it’s just that we often fail to recognize it in the process.
It’s like playing a game of Othello: only when you reach the final move (and make the right one), and see many black pieces instantly flip into white, do you suddenly understand the nature of each move—and even the entire game.
At that moment, a sense of gratitude arises naturally.
It’s not that we would necessarily choose to go through it again; in fact, we usually no longer need to.
It’s not that the pain we once felt was false or unreal, but rather that we come to see it as only one part of a larger whole. And that whole is something far greater—something difficult to fully capture in words.
Perhaps some would call it love.
