｜有些書是需要時間發酵的
幾年前我看了 ”被討厭的勇氣” 當時看到一個大家常常在說的 ”課題分離” 這個概念，但說實話，我其實沒有真的理解。最近在生活中遇到很多人際關係的問題時， ”課題分離” 這句話突然浮現在腦海裡。我才真正理解，原來看懂一本書，跟實踐在生活，是完全不同的事情。
阿德勒說：
｜ 人的煩惱，大多來自人際關係
而解決的方法之一就是
課題分離
但我一直在想 “課題分離” 所謂的 “課題” 到底是什麼？我後來是用 “功課” 這一詞來解釋。但是在把是什麼功課分辨出來之前，要先看得懂系統結構，也就是最大的架構。用簡單的方式來說：
課題 = 功課
像是學校一樣有數學，國文，歷史等等的功課，而每一科都有自己的老師。而老師出作業安排考試是因為整個學校系統。而教育系統的背後還有社會文化，政策，歷史背景等等不同，每一層都有自己的結構。
｜人際關係其實是一個系統
理解了這一層，就會發現我們的生活，幾乎都是由人際關係組成的。某種程度上人際關係就是一個大系統，而每個人都在不同的位置上擁有許多的角色。 所以如果人際關係只用 你 VS 我 去看，就很容易在一個小圈圈裡面耗。如果拉高一點視角，就會看到整個結構。
我的朋友跟我提點過，試著用“上帝視角去看事情” 這跟宗教沒有關係，只是把視角拉高。不針對一件小事看 “為什麼他這樣對我” 而是開始看懂整著系統。
像是在家庭關係裡，我不只看我和父母單獨的關係，而是爸爸/媽媽個別與祖父母的關係，父母個別的排行與個別手足關係，家庭的結構，當時的歷史事件以及社會背景等等，最後才回到我自己。當整個脈絡慢慢的越來越清楚之後，很多事情就變得比較理解。
｜用上帝視角 課題分離就浮出來了
當看清楚整個結構理解每個人站的位置與角色之後，才會開始釐清 “這是誰的功課？”
很多時候，我們會因為文化或是社會的期待，而以為某些事情 “應該” 由誰來負責。例如：男生應該怎麼樣，女生應該怎麼樣，家人應該怎麼樣。但是當你站在比較高的視角看時，就會發現，有些事情不是你的功課。 只有當你看懂整個結構，才能真正做到阿德勒說的 “課題分離”。
後來連我我所有的日常都用這個方法，甚至是只是去超市買個東西，對於一個高度共感人來說，這其實是很有幫助的。很多情緒，其實不是你的功課。當開始分辨 “功課” 之後，心裡的空間就會慢慢變大。生活也會變得比較輕鬆。以我自己的親身經歷，不只心的空間變大，整個人的精氣神，身體也變得更好。
｜Some books need time to ferment
A few years ago, I read The Courage to Be Disliked. Ichiro Kishimi (岸見一郎), Fumitake Koga (古賀史健) At the time, I came across a concept people often talk about: “separation of tasks.” But to be honest, I didn’t truly understand it then.
Recently, while navigating various challenges in my relationships, that phrase suddenly came back to mind. And only then did I realise something quite surprising: understanding a book intellectually and living its ideas in real life are two entirely different things.
Alfred Adler once said:
Most human problems arise from interpersonal relationships.
And one way to address them is through the separation of tasks.
Yet I kept wondering: what exactly is a “task”?
Eventually, I found it easier to think of it as “homework.”
But before we can identify whose homework something is, we first need to understand the structure of the system we are in — the larger framework.
In simple terms:
Task = Homework
Just like in school, where we have subjects such as mathematics, literature, or history. Each subject has its own teacher. Teachers assign homework and set exams as part of the wider school system. And behind that education system sit layers of society, culture, policies, and history.
Each layer has its own structure.
｜Relationships are, in fact, a system
Once you begin to see this layer, you realise that most of our lives are made up of relationships. In many ways, relationships themselves form a large system, where each person occupies different positions and plays multiple roles.
If we only view relationships as “you versus me,” it’s very easy to become stuck in a small circle of conflict or emotional exhaustion. But when we raise our perspective slightly, the whole structure becomes visible.
A friend once suggested that I try looking at things from what they called a “God’s-eye view.” It has nothing to do with religion — it simply means stepping back and widening the perspective.
Instead of asking, “Why is this person treating me this way?” you begin to ask,
“What does the whole system look like?”
For example, in family relationships, I no longer look only at the relationship between myself and my parents. I begin to see:
- how my father relates to his parents
- how my mother relates to hers
- their birth order among siblings
- the dynamics within their families
- the structure of the household
- the historical and social context in which they grew up
Only after understanding these layers do I return to my own position within the picture.
As the context slowly becomes clearer, many things that once felt confusing begin to make sense.
｜From this wider view, separation of tasks naturally emerges
Once the structure becomes clearer and you can see where everyone stands within the system, the question naturally arises:
Whose homework is this?
Very often, cultural or social expectations make us believe that certain responsibilities should belong to someone — that men should behave a certain way, women another way, or that family members must fulfil particular roles.
But when you step back and look from a wider perspective, you may realise that some of these things are simply not your homework.
Only when you understand the structure of the system can you truly practise what Adler meant by the separation of tasks.
Over time, I started applying this perspective to everyday life — even something as simple as going to the supermarket.
For someone who is highly empathetic, this approach is incredibly helpful. Many emotions we carry are, in fact, not our homework to carry.
And once you begin to distinguish whose homework is whose, something quietly shifts:
the space inside your mind begins to expand.
Life becomes lighter.
From my own experience, it’s not only the mind that feels more spacious.
My energy, my presence, even my physical wellbeing have improved as well.
